Parenting Guide

Why is today special? According to my cubicle calendar today is the Anniversary of the Constitution in Mexico. I bet they have a wonderful fireworks display over the gulf tonight. Today also marks Ada’s 18 month birthday. Through out the history of the blog, I’ve developed a pattern of writing a commemorative post marking each 6mo period of her life. The first 6mo, I did a pros and cons list on the life of a baby. I think the general consensus was life as baby is good, but somewhere around 2 and 3 is the wheelhouse of existence. That is when you are free of responsibility but chicken nuggets are introduced into your diet. On her 1yr birthday, I went on a bit of a selfish tyrant about her stealing my birthday. I have sometimes regretted that post, one of my more childish moments captured forever for anyone to see. In an effort to atone for that mistake, I have decided write a small parenting guide based on what I’ve learned from Ada’s first year and a half. Granted, there are a lot of people a lot more qualified, or qualified at all for that matter, than me but what is the point of having a blog if you don’t throw out your uninformed, uneducated opinions for the world to see?

The first year and a half of your child’s life, just like the Gregorian calendar, can be broken down into two time periods: B.C. and A.D. or Before Conversation and After Discussion. (I know those labels are totally accurate, just work with me here.) In each one of these time periods, you have to take on two distinct roles as a parent.

In the BC era, you will be playing detective. Solving mysteries like: why are they crying, are they hurting, are they hungry, are they sleepy, what is that smell? Throughout this time frame, it is helpful to construct a schedule and follow it as precisely as possible. This will allow you to soothe your child much faster because of your ability to troubleshoot based on the last time your child was fed, slept, etc.

As soon as you think you have things down pat and become a master of this stage, your child develops more diverse communication skills and you enter the A.D. period. Thankfully, your detective job becomes much less demanding, however a whole new set of responsibilities has arose. Now that your child can tell you that they want cookies every 10min, you become more of a suicide negotiator. You have to learn to somehow control these situations without your child going into frenzy, flailing wildly about, and running full speed into the refrigerator. It will take some time, practice, and a few broken oven doors, but you will get the hang of it. The trick here is to offer the child something else that they enjoy, that is not going to ruin dinner. My personal strategy is to offer to either read a book or go upstairs and play in the playroom. The true test is when you are in a public place and pass something with Elmo on it. If you can get out of that situation without causing a scene, you deserve a medal.

On another personal note, I’d like to speak on my role as Ada’s earthly father. As her dad I believe that I play a unique role in her life shaping her views of our Heavenly Father. I pray that I will be an example love, mercy, kindness, patience, compassion, strength, reliability, and protection to her. I know I am human and I’ve already failed at this in just the 18 months she’s been alive. I also know that I will fail in every one of these areas again at some point in her life. I pray that despite my failures, Ada will never doubt God’s immeasurable love and know He is perfect on a personal level.

It’s not much, I can only hope someone took something away from this little guide to parents. If you don’t remember anything else, just remember that parenting is like reading names out of the Old Testament: go fast, go confidently, and no one will ever know the difference.

A Weekend Miracle?

I had a solo Ada night this past weekend. LB travelled to Auburn Saturday afternoon to celebrate with her sister for her birthday. (Happy Birthday, Sarah!) She left during Ada’s nap and returned late Sunday afternoon. That put Ada and me own our own for about 28 hours.

With LB tutoring so much these days, I get to hang out with Ada solo a lot. It has become second nature. I’m never nervous and I’m pretty confident I can do just about any parenting task that would have to be done. It may not be as nice or neat or frilly or cute as if LB had done it, but the job would get completed. On a side note, there is one thing that seems to constantly give me trouble, getting Ada ready for church on Sunday mornings. I think LB has a secret safe in the house, where she stores church dresses. I can never find them. Other than that, I feel completely capable of hanging with Ada without baby mamma being around for a few days.

However, things were different this weekend. On her blog, LB has well documented our troubles with Ada’s bowel movements or more correctly, lack there of throughout these early stages of her existence. Well, starting Friday night, the complete opposite was true. I try not to talk about these things, more for Ada’s sake than anything else. I’d hate for Middle School Ada to get mad at Middle Aged Scott when her friends stumble across this site and read about her poo shortcomings, but I’m going to have to make an exception this go round because I believe we are called to spread the news of God’s signs and wonders.

Friday night, Ada had trouble keeping dinner out of her diaper. It was bad. LB and I had to tag team clean up duty. It was so bad LB questioned whether she should even go to Auburn. Her maternal instinct was kicking in. I like breaking up the mundaneness of everyday life for her, so I encouraged going and that I would be able to handle a few dirty diapers. So, she went.

I was nervous this time. Normal dirty diapers I can handle, but when it looks like someone emptied a can of Hormel Chili back there, things could interesting. I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. Seriously.

The rest of the weekend, until LB returned was spent in nervous anticipation. I would catch myself sniffing the air, just looking for any early warning signals. We made the rest of the Saturday with nothing happening. I was a nervous wreck during the worship service Sunday, just waiting on someone to come tap me on the shoulder, but we made it again. We went home ate lunch and I put Little Bit down for a nap, knowing that it would be cut short for a bathroom break. Again, nothing. LB pulled into the driveway Sunday afternoon and I remember thinking, “We made it. Whatever the issue was must have gone away.”

Then, less than 20min from when LB walked in the door, she said, “What’s that smell?” Yep, you guessed it. After going over a full day with no activity, Ada let loose less than half an hour after the back up arrived. Things were just as bad as before, so whatever the problem, it had not gone away, just, delayed. I don’t think there is any doubt what happened this weekend, divine intervention. God totally hooked me up.

There is one other possible explanation: superusless superpower. Remember a while back when I sliced my lip and it healed in a matter of hours? I may have discovered another previously unknown power. Do I also have the ability to freeze toddlers excretory systems for a yet to be determined amount of time? Come to think of it, there has never been poopy problem when I help keep the nursery at church. Hmm, I may be onto something.

Final Biggest Loser Post (Not a Flashback, Written in Present Time)

Victory! Turns out the total prize was $675, so sweet, an extra $75. All proceeds will be spent on a relaxing weekend at the beach with the little lady in a few months. The condo is already booked. The money will be gone in one weekend, but we will have memories to last a lifetime.

I charted my weight loss throughout the competition and attached it below. If you take a look, you will see that my final weigh-in weight was 170.4lb, down a total of 24.8lbs from when we started. I admit, while being shamed about my starting weight, I was pretty proud myself for dropping 25lbs.

Since the end of the competition, I have inched back to about 176-178lbs. Don’t be alarmed, I haven’t fallen off the wagon and there is a reasonable explanation. Those last few pounds was all water weight.

The night before and 5am the morning of the final weigh-in, I went to LA Fitness for my final two visits. Each trip I spent over an hour doing some form of cardio and then headed to the sauna for another half hour. During that morning session, thanks to some advice from a trainer on how to lose the most water weight the quickest, I was in the sauna doing jumping jacks and push ups. Talk about HOT! I also got some strange looks from a little old Chinese man who stepped in for few minutes. I didn’t mind though, $600 was on the line. Plus, he had on khakis and a purple mock turtleneck, so, look who’s talking.

Something else that I am somewhat shamed to admit, in another effort to loose the most water weight possible, I stole some of LB’s water pills and took them throughout the whole weekend before the weigh-in.

It all paid off and every little bit helped because I won by a total of only 1.7%. Thanks to those last few desperate acts I am $675 richer and haven’t felt bloated since.

My First Cycle Class

In an effort to kick start my cardio, I committed myself to attending every cycle class LA Fitness offered between the time I got my hands on that pass and the morning of the weigh-in. For those who don’t know what it is, it’s basically riding a stationary bike for an hour at time set to music. That sounded simple enough and I have heard LB talk about it being her favorite workout for years. I was excited about experiencing it for myself, or, as excited as a slightly chubby, moderately lethargic, gravy and biscuit eating male could be.

I got there about 15min before class started. With it being my first time attending, I didn’t want to get there late and cause a scene because I didn’t know what I was doing. I walked into the room where the class was held. Three of the walls were mirrors and the other one glass looking out into the rest of the gym. They’re about 50 bikes lined up in 5 rows of 10, all pointed to one single bike up front. This must be where the dictator sits, shouting orders to his subjects. There were already a couple people there. I could tell they took fitness way too seriously. I resorted back to my days of being a Baptist and quietly slipped into a bike on the far right of the very last row. I saw the other people adjusting their bike, so I adjusted my seat and handle bar height, strapped my feet in, and got ready for the next hour of unknown.

The first thing I noticed when I sat down was how horribly uncomfortable the seat was. I felt violated like never before. My seat could have possibly been a registered sex offender. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an LA Fitness within a 10 mile radius of any school system…coincidence? I looked around at the other people to see if perhaps I was sitting on it wrong. It was then I noticed that they had brought their own cushion attachment to strap onto the seat. My suspicion of them taking fitness too seriously was confirmed. Who owns stationary bike accessories?

By now the class was getting pretty full so I thought I would look around and do a quick demographic study. There was quite a bit more women than men, probably a 70/30 mix. The most noticeable group of females was the group of older black women who sat front and center and looked like they would be friends with Big Momma from that Martin Lawrence movie. They also became to be my favorite clique because they were hilarious. There were a few other groups of women, however there was also about 7-8 massively muscular black guys mixed into the field as well. Despite the fact they could have thumped me and knocked me over, them being present kept me from feeling like a girly man. The most surprising group of men was the 4-5 guys who reminded me of someone I would see fishing off the side of a causeway back home in Alabama. One kept a spitcup in the spot the water bottle was supposed to go.

My people watching mode was over when the instructor began speaking. To my surprise, she emerged from the group of Big Momma’s friends and turned out to be Big Momma herself. I wasn’t nearly as worried about the next hour now. I mean, I know I am out of shape, but if she is the instructor, I got this. We began pedaling. The seat next to me was finally taken by a 16yr old, 85lb Hispanic girl. 25 minutes later, there is a pool of sweat surrounding my bike the size of the Great Lake and I want to hurl myself through the glass wall. I can’t take any more and Big Momma is screaming, “It’s your workout! You only get out what you put in!” I wanted to put myself in a recliner. As she was having everyone “Climb that hill!” I had to sit down for a second. I was still pedaling, just sitting. Apparently this did not sit well with the young girl next to me. When she noticed me taking a breather she looked towards me and yelled, “C’mon! Let’s go!” I now wanted to throw her through the glass wall, but I just smiled and kept pedaling.

What felt like 5hrs later (in reality, it was 5min), the instructor wanted everyone to stand up and, using the bike handlebars, do pushups to the cadence of the beat. I wanted to raise my hand ask if she had mistaken me for the guy in that movie Step It Up, because this clearly wasn’t happening. In my defense, I did attempt it and because of the mirrored walls, I could see that whenever everyone else was down I was up and when they were up I was down. Even so, I kept going for a while, I was committed. It wasn’t the fact that I have the rhythm of Steve Urkel that kept me from carrying on, it was that I am so uncoordinated every time I leaned forward I almost tipped the bike over. I decided that I would rather have my new Hispanic friend yell at me than do a face plant in the middle of the class. It was the lesser of the two evils.

Despite Big Momma kicking my tail the last half hour of the class, I made it through with only taking the designated breaks. You knew it was a designated break time because Big Momma would scream, “Hydrate!” While we were sipping our never more precious water, I noticed Big Momma didn’t take breaks; she has to be a machine. During break time she would stand up on the bike and just start dancing. Sometimes the group of Big Momma’s friends sitting front and center would be cheering her on. It was like watching Soul Train on wheels.

Finally, it had been an hour and we were off our bikes stretching. I don’t know if that was the hardest hour of my life, but it was definitely the most unique. I was glad it was over, but the only thing that kept going through my head was, “1 down, 8 more to go.” It will be ok as long as I can pull out the victory.

The Art of War

Just a refresher, this is post #2 from the past. I wrote a couple posts during the last few weeks of the Biggest Loser competition held at work that I was unable to publish at the time. You will see why I didn’t post it back then near the end of this I’ll give you a hint, in involves me going into a type of ninja stealth mode. Also, it appears as if the blog’s starting to become a little like LOST, with all the flashbacks and flashforwards and stuff. I’ll try to end this Back to the Future phenomenon and bring everything back to the present soon, but just in case, everyone reading may need to find your constant. If you’re not a LOSTie, then that last sentence means nothing to you, just skip it. However if you do watch, get fired up, the season premiere is tonight! Ok, on with the real post (written about a month ago now, sometime around the week of Christmas, or around 2wks until the end of the competition.)

The contest is down to a two horse race. Two weeks to go and it’s him versus me. Mano-a-mano. Well, there is one girl in customer service who has an outside chance of sneaking in here at the end; she has been dropping weight pretty steadily throughout the whole competition. But if my plan comes together, she’ll only be battling it out for second place/first loser.

After leading multiple, multiple weeks in a row, Matt coming in and dropping 7lbs in one week to take the lead was a major blow to the morale. I had to come up with something and it had to be quick. I turned to the oldest, most decorated work on strategic warfare: Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. I read through every last word…that Wikipedia had to say about it and formed my battle plan based on what I had learned. I mentioned yesterday there were two phases to my overall scheme, physical and psychological, both based on pearls of wisdom from within Tzu’s text.

“Energy may be likened to the bending of a crossbow; decision, to the releasing trigger.”

The application here is to unleash cardio on my mangut like a puma pouncing on a bow legged prairie dog. I have been dabbling in cardio all along, but its time to put the silly little jump rope aside and release my ‘energy trigger.’ As soon as I had the LA Fitness pass that I mentioned in the last post in my hands, I checked their schedule of classes and found a winner. They offer a 5:30pm cycle class (more on this in a later post if you are not familiar) every weekday and one at 9am on Saturday. That means I will be able to attend about 8 classes before the final weigh-in. On top of all the ‘cycling,’ there’s going to be additional hours spent on ellipticals and treadmills, and a few Tae-bo sessions done in the privacy of my own home. I have to do the Tae-bo workouts with no one around, including LB. It’s rather embarrassing. I would imagine I look something like a mixture of someone horribly failing a sobriety test crossed with a flopping salmon gripped by the jaws of a massive grizzly bear. I hate Billy Blanks, but he knows how to burn some calories. Consider my crossbow of energy officially released.

“All warfare is based on deception.”

This will be my key to victory. This is where my psychological warfare comes into play. Since Monday’s weigh-in, when Matt dropped his 7lbs, I have been filling his head with statements like, “Well, there is now way I have a chance now that you are serious this.” “At least I will get to enjoy Christmas dinner now.” I’ve been subtly feeding him “I’m not trying anymore” lines, hoping to fill his head with a false self-confidence. When I eat lunch, I am sure to let him see me eating, I exaggerate a bit on how much I had for dinner, I may even throw in a few fictitious deserts that I may or may not have over indulged in. I’m hoping, even if he doesn’t believe me now, if I just keep lobbing up faint hints that I’ve thrown caution to the wind and fallen back to my pre-competition diet, he may not give the full 100% effort the rest of the way. At the very least, maybe it will make him feel that since I ate a few brownies after dinner last night, he can have just one tonight. One other tidbit to this part of the plan, I intend to drink tons of water before each of the remaining weigh-ins between now and the final showdown. This way, he won’t have a true gauge as to where I really am on the scale. Hopefully, I’ll drink enough that the scale will say I gained, that would really mess with his head.

Now that I have him believing he can eat those extra Christmas cookies, I’m also starting the South Beach Diet (no carbs) as soon as we get back from Alabama this weekend. According to LB, if you stick to eat, you can lose a pound per day. This does mean I’m not going to be able to eat wings or burgers during all the coming bowl games, but I keep telling myself $600 can buy a lot chicken. Bring on the string cheese.

There’s my plan, for better or for worse. If I can stick to everything maybe I’ll give myself a shot at this thing. I’ll conclude with my new mission statement for the rest of the competition. Another excerpt from the book: “Simulated disorder postulates perfect discipline; simulated fear postulates courage; simulated weakness postulates strength.”

Wish me luck.

Thoughts on Inauguration Day

First, a slight clarification, by thoughts on Inauguration Day, I mean random thoughts that I’m thinking today, which just so happens to be Inauguration Day, and not necessarily thoughts pertaining to the actual inauguration that went down today. I know very little about politics, nowhere near enough for a whole post the day’s events. The only thing I do know on the subject, I learned from watching the first season of 24, which does comes in handy because it involved an African-American president.

 

As I said, I know a minute amount about politics. I try to keep up with the bigger issues by picking the brains of men who know a lot more than me and I absolutely trust. Based on what I’ve picked up and opinions I have formed, there are several areas where I disagree with President Obama. Even so, I plan to live by Paul’s words in 2 Timothy where we are called to pray for those in authority.

 

Despite my disagreements with some of the president’s positions, I am not naïve enough to downplay the significance of today. This afternoon, after LB left to tutor, I turned on some of the coverage of the inaugural parade. Right after I explained to Ada what was going, Mr. and Mrs. Obama got out of the car to walk down Pennsylvania Ave. and wave to everyone. I think Ada thought they were waving specifically to her….

 

 

A couple things began running through my head. 1) I thought this would be a really cool picture years from now. 2) She is going to be a political savant.

She quickly put #2 to rest.

PS. I think I am finally going to be able to get the Biggest Loser posts up tomorrow.

The Biggest Loser: Fresh Express Style

The next few posts were written over the past few weeks, however they were unable to be posted due to reasons soon to be revealed. LB has already ruined the ending, but at the time most of this was being recorded, I didn’t know what the outcome would be. Don’t worry, I’m not mad at her for spoiling it. She is much more diligent about posting than I am and I gave her permission. I am just glad I actually have something to post. Anyway, let’s start at the beginning…

About 3 months ago we started a Biggest Loser competition at work. There were about 12 people that entered and everyone who entered put in $50. The winner takes all, so over $600 goes to the person who drops the most percentage of weight by the end of the competition. At first I wasn’t going to enter, not because I was content where I was weight wise, but because I didn’t think I stood a chance at winning so why waste $50. Well at the very last second, I decided that the competition: weighing in every week, charting my weight loss for all to see, and more than anything my competitive spirit… I thought all of that might culminate together and motivate me to finally drop a few pounds. And by a few, I mean the 20lbs I have packed on since LB and I got married 2+yrs ago. Oh, and in the competition, if you gain weight for two consecutive weeks, you have to pay an extra $5 for every pound gained the second week, so a little more motivation not to gain two weeks in a row.

We are now at 2.5wks until the end of the competition and I am in second place by a mere 1.3%. I have led for multiple weeks in a row, but finally lost the lead today. The odds are now stacked against me because the competition has pretty much come down to my cube neighbor and me. He is my height, but has more poundage to lose than me so, he can still lose weight in bunches (i.e. he lost 7lbs this week to take the lead from me) but I have to work my tail off to lose anything over a pound per week.

Remember when it started and I didn’t think I stood a shot? Well, forget that junk now. I have become Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf when the Wolf consumes him; the alpha male in me has taken over. I want to win just for winning’s sake. Of course the $600 would be nice, but I just want to win. This competition has begun to parallel Alabama’s football season. When the season started, everyone thought Bama would be ok, but they just kept winning and winning and winning. I was pretty sure I would lose some weight, but I have kept losing every week. I have led for the majority of the time, until this past week when he took the lead from me. I just keep thinking, I will not let Matt be my Florida! (or Utah.)

I’ve been jumping rope, running, and other forms of cardio a little throughout the whole competition, but since I am so close so late in the game, I decided to take it up a notch. Yesterday on my way home from work, I stopped by LA Fitness and bootlegged them into giving me a two-week guest pass. It was a workout just getting out of there with a free pass and not having to sign up for anything. You can tell they are trained hard to not let you walk away without signing up for something. The lady I was speaking with actually told me I was passing up a once in a lifetime opportunity if I didn’t accept the offer she had laid on the table ($150 initiation fee and $39/mo). No lie, that is an exact quote, “once in a lifetime opportunity”.

So now, in second place and with Christmas and New Year’s coming up, I have begun scheming. Like George Washington at Valley Forge, I’ve taken refuge in my cube and devised my battle plan. It involves both physical and psychological warfare. I will unveil the details in the next post, but for now, in the words of the immortal Bugs Bunny, “Of course you know, this means war.”